We celebrated our 10 year anniversary on May 22nd, 2008. Over those ten years, Sandra and I have frequently discussed our marriage philosophy, but have only been so bold as to deliver to to receptive a few newly weds. Still, the ideas frequently bubble up in my mind, and I've begun to regret my general philosophical reticence.
I first began to write this out as an argument from scriptural authority, basing my opinion on a couple of controversial Pauline passages, but that's not really how the ideas took root in my mind. I think it would be better to walk you through the same mental progression that I experienced.
Some Observations
Sandra and I like to watch people. It's actually a little bit obnoxious. We'll be at restaurant, notice an odd party across the room, silently observe, and then compare notes in the car. Well, we do that when the kids aren't around. It's not judgement or condemnation we're interested in, just the story, their story, the mystery of the human condition.
Being like this, we can't help but notice the marital relationships of those that are going before us. When comparing notes here, we began to see a pattern. We first identified it in couples that had been married for 20+ years. In particular, couples that were still married, but with high tension.
The pattern was this:
Men are passive. They make jokes about always saying "yes, dear", or worse, they genuinely acquiesce with the phrase. They tunnel into work or a hobby. They delve into television, sports, or a workshop; any sort of metaphorical cave that their wife is unlikely to enter.
They recede. They cease to be romantic. They aren't buying chocolates, roses, or little surprises. The marriage becomes mechanical, and they sincerely think of their spouse as the ol' ball and chain.
Women become aggressive. They are irritated with their husbands, and belittle them without a second thought. They nag, and cut, and curse, and bleed their men. They convert from their husband's chief fan to his chief critic.
They harden. They cease to believe that he cares. They have no desire for the bedroom. The marriage becomes mechanical, and they sincerely think of their spouse as the ol' ball and chain.
Yes, these are stereo types and generalities, but they are common. They happen all the time. These characteristics are pronounced in so many veteran married couples.
This was what Sandra and I saw. At first, just here and there (people often hide these behaviors), but as we learned to watch, we saw it more and more. We drew up a standard summary of the way couples operate, we cataloged the type and moved on. We had a diagnosis of other peoples' illness. And then one day <gasp> we saw the beginnings of these symptoms in ourselves.
We All Bleed Red
There are many things that are common to all people. Some are essential: food and breath. Some are quintessential: first kisses and first children. In the sense that I use it, the word "common" does not mean "without exception". It means "very likely that this will happen to you."
There is a little rhythm that is established between a husband and wife. It is a rhythm of little wounds. Something said at a party about how one never cleans the kitchen. A harsh word spoken in public because of last night's argument. Jokes about their sex life. Jestful, but jabbing. It might take other forms as well, but the result is the same. One spouse hurts the other. It's a little hurt, a tiny thing. They do it because they had an expectation that was not met. That is one key: they expected something that they didn't get
We are cowards for the most part and rather than confront our spouse with an honest delivery of our expectations we revert to childish name calling and passive aggressive pokes that we ought to have left in high school.
Here is a second key: we are too scared to be honest. We had high expectations about marriage, and now we're too chicken to admit it to the one we purportedly care about the most. It is our pride that prevents us.
I said we saw some of the symptoms in ourselves. What we saw where the germs of the behavior. The seed that when watered by years of blindness grow into those gross caricatures that I initially described.
With Sandra and I, it started over little things, comical things, things that I am almost embarrassed to write. How often we ought to sweep the floor, how often we ought to have sex. We would have opinions (expectations) that we never voiced. Often in my case, I didn't even understand what my expectations were. I had to dig and search and weigh my heart to find them. For Sandra, some expectations seemed so apparent to her that it was astonishing when she discovered my ignorance.
One friend told me a story, and while I can't recall the details, the gist of it was this: he'd come from work, find the kitchen dirty and his wife watching TV. He would get irritated and go play video games instead of talking to her. One day during an argument, she confessed that she purposefully left it dirty as a silent protest to him playing video games instead of hanging out with her.
There is the cycle, there is the rhythm. We wound out of pride and cowardice, because the surgery frightens us. Every time a man is wounded, he recedes deeper into the cave. Every time a woman is hurt, she cuts back in little slices.
We are Adam and Eve, we silently let our wives bite into mortal fruit. Our first father was passive and cowardly as the rest of us.
I will admit, it is hard and scary to break this cycle. It is even hard to see it in ourselves. We don't want to admit it about ourselves. Nonetheless, Sandra and I have seen it in virtually every place we've cared to look. The degrees have varied, but rarely has the sickness.
Back to Paul
With all of these observations bouncing through my mind I read Colossians 3 seemingly for the first time:
18Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
19Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.
Controversy surrounds these verses, and I know of cases when it has been harshly and cruelly abused. But I do not think this is a command in the sense it is frequently taken, I think Paul is making a prescription for a diagnosis. I think this is medicine for the problem I've just outlined.
I'll address the men specifically, because I have a good deal of experience being one. (Perhaps Sandra can cover the women.)
We are told to love our wives, but instead we submit. It is our natural tendency. What more does the phrase "yes, dear" mean if it is not submission? True, it is an ugly, puerile, and demeaning submission that alienates the action required by love. (There is another submission that is not like this.)
No, we are told to love our wives and this we cannot do this from inside caves. We cannot love our wives when we are passive. Our tendency to recede is a tendency towards death. It is inaction, and the antithesis of manhood. As DC Talk so eloquently said it: luv is a verb.
Love is measured in action: the young Romeo, or even better, the young George Bailey lassoing the moon for Mary. When love is young, and the fire is bright, we men commit to action. It is the nature of love to act.
One night a while back, my son Ranen had a poopy diaper before falling asleep. As little boys are wont to do he plastered it all over his crib and body. Unfortunately, he fell asleep anyway and woke a hour or so later covered in dry, crusty crap. I have no love of poop, and in general I avoid all contact with it, but when I saw my son crying and covered, confused and wanting to be held, I acted. It could not be helped. I tore off my shirt, and I held him. We went to the bathtub, and I held him, and washed him, and comforted him. It was an awesome experience for me as a father, because through it I began learn what it meant to love so fiercely.
Circadian Wounds
As I mentioned earlier, this sickness is a rhythm and the beat grows stronger over time. As we men become inactive and passive, our wives interpret it as lack of love, and rightly so. They are hurt by our posture, hurt by their dearest, and like so much love gone sour their pain is vented through bitter words.
Though we men are loathe to admit it, the opinion of our wife, her opinion of our worth, is paramount. The subtle, biting words, the small humiliating moments when she treats us as children, the conspicuous absence of physical intimacy: these erode our worth and diminish our spirit. The sum of her demeanor is the very buttress of our heart. So when those wounds come from her, we are hurt and recede and she is hurt more.
Men, here is your call to arms. Be watchful, abolish your pride, and fight for your bride. When you are hurt, confess it. When you have expectations, be honest about them. Initiate conversation and discover her expectations. Gird yourself like a man and ask her when you have hurt her, then show courage and reconcile.
The tendency towards laziness and complacency is in our blood, but we should not go gentle into that night. Nothing on this earth surpasses the ecstasy of a healthy marriage. There is no glory this side of heaven that exceeds the wonder of husband and wife connected in spirit and mind and body. This all of things, is worth a fight.
Closing Thought
I said earlier that there is another submission. One that is good and sacred and is not born of wounds and fear and cowardice. In fact, this other kind of submission is a central idea in Christian ethics. There is in implication of it in the golden rule. Paul describes it as esteeming others better than ourselves. By it I infer that in marriage there is a mutual submission. Just as in the Christian life there is a general submission when we lay aside our pride and our selfishness, and begin to love our neighbor.
Labels: marriage, philosophical rant
